The Mental Madness

Saturday was my longest scheduled run ever.  A training run for the half marathon.  Seven miles. 
I had been working on my mental game for awhile, knew what I had to do, told myself what I was going to do, set myself up mentally and just did it. 

As with any long run, I got the inevitable thought invasion: 
" What the hell am I doing?"
" This is the craziest.sh!t.ever"
" Why am I doing this?  I can't remember"

And there it is.  Ironically, when I was trying to remember why I was doing this, I honestly could not remember.  Virtually nothing came to mind when I was thinking of why I was doing this, what made me start this and why I'd continue.  It wasn't feeling good. It wasn't fun.  It wasn't impressing anyone.  I'm certainly not yet a size 10.  I'm tired of the constant battle of hard vs. easy.  I'm tired of juggling so much. I'm just tired.   
I decided after this half marathon, in March I was going to be done.  Retiring running forever.  I did my thing, I proved I can do what I can do. I'm done. 
Oh dammit.  I already registered for the Triathlon in July.  Son of a duck, I have to keep going.


So it got me to thinking, why DON'T I quit? 
I don't quit because it's hard. 

[ I'd say plain and simple here, but knowing my thought process, it's anything BUT plain and simple]


I don't quit because it's hard, meaning a couple of things. 
a) I don't quit even though it's hard
b) I don't quit because it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. 

With the first meaning, I don't quit because it's hard means I don't stop when the going gets tough, because I too, am tough. The days that I'm not?  I simply give myself no other choice  There are times when I cannot believe what I've lived through.  Which really, in the grand schemes of things?  It's nothing comparatively. 

The second meaning, I don't quit because it's hard, means I'm essentially inviting the hardest thing in the world into my life.  It's because it's hard is why I don't quit.  It's the 'hard' that makes it great.  It's the 'hard' that makes it the gigantor accomplishment it really is to me.

My sister reads a lot of books on the Holocaust and other war survival stories. She once told me that she reads things like that helps her to realize that no matter how bad we have it, there's always someone with a harder story. Lord is that true. So very very true. I'll admit I've had it relatively easy for much of my life. No major victimage, no horrific drama to live through, no wars or diseases. While not the Waltons or the Brady Bunch life, I have had it pretty good.
I think I choose hard challenges to keep myself trying. If everything we easy, I'm pretty sure I'd get used to that and even the simplest thing would become hard. I guess in the twisted mind of me, if I keep pushing myself, then I become better?

Better at what, I have no clue. Part of me, which I know is both a detriment and an asset, is that I'm always looking for improvement.  I'd like to think no part of me will ever stand still.  Always reaching, always striving for more.   So much of me fears being stale, stagnant, boring, bored, lazy, so I keep striving.  Sure, I might now succeed, I might not make any real changes, I might not actually get the accomplishment I want, but for some reason I'm at a point where I cannot seem to stop for long.  Again, a detriment and an asset at it's best and worst. 

It's kinda a new theory I'm working on, one that is in development still.  It's interesting to me, yet at the same time, it all makes me kinda tired. 

Ironically, though I feared my 7 mile run on Saturday, my Garmin read 7.502 miles at the end of it.  Okay.  I got this.