I've been known to have a few addictions/habits/obsessions in my life throughout the years, junk foods, Ebay, cigarettes, sodas, shoes...whatever. But running as a habit/addiction is as normal to me as growing a left foot outta my head. Seriously?
I did a ton of back to back races, events over the last couple of months and I'm burned out. My husband grew tired of me doing a race every other weekend, and mentoring in between, and I agreed. I was glad to finish the last ten miler last weekend, as that was going to be my last for awhile.
So why in God's name did I just put two more possible races on my calendar?
This is what baffles me. I psyche myself out and screw with myself mentally for weeks leading up to a race. I freak myself out with exactly what I can't even remember, put off training, screw it up a bit here and there. Failing to sleep, drink water or eat anything but mini cinnamon rolls. I conquer the race, often by the Grace of God, then beat the hell out of myself for not doing as well as I'd liked.
I learn my lessons over and over again, I know what I need to do, do some of it, do it half assed and then decide how I'm going to do it better. I told myself no more races until I get my sh!t in line. Until I start working out and training for an actual race, and working harder.
But I can't stop! I want more races...I'm at the point where I tell myself I don't care if I'm slow, or it's hard, I just want to keep going and going and going. I'm fearing if I stop, I'll sit on the couch and never ever move again. Yes, I believe I still have that capability. It scares me to death.
I was just about to register for another race coming up in July, then I realized I promised my husband no more races. He'd see it on the bank account transaction.
I won't sneak around with another man, secret credit cards, or a drinking/drug problem, but maybe with a racing problem. I'm sitting here trying to come up with ways to register and not have him know about it. Or maybe tell him I'm required to for the program I mentor. Or maybe I was forced to by aliens. Or that it's a charity benefitting his mother. Sigh.
I'm so very lucky that he supports me in this strange quest/obsession that I seem to be developing stronger and stronger every week.
But what a thrill it is to have something I want that's actually GOOD for me!!
Friday, April 26, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Our Own Worst Critics
A woman I work with started quilt making about the same time I started running. A little more than a year later, she's made dozens of projects from baby quilts to bed quilts to table runners, each one being more breathtaking than the last. Her talent absolutely astounds me. Moments ago, I sat in the office break room while she worked on her latest creation, discussing her plans to potentially turn her craft into a business. She mentioned it had been a little more than a year since starting and my through wandered back to my own seemingly lack of accomplishment in the same amount of time. After a compliment on her talent, she scoffed.
I told her she didn't give herself enough credit and she responded " we never do."
Its true.
Why IS that? That is so incredibly annoying. I do it daily, with pretty much everything I see, touch, think about or try. I think for me personally, it's because I fear if I give myself too much credit, I'll let myself down and be disappointed with myself. Maybe I fear being arrogant? Maybe I fear the expectation both myself and others would have for me? Who knows.
I have a quote on my office wall that I found many years ago.
" Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you NOT to be?
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory within us.
It's not just in some of us; It's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fewer,
our presence automatically liberates others. "
Marianne Williamson
It seems to fit for so many in so many situations. I think for many, we cover our true light with nonsense and garbage because we fear what will happen when we let our true selves shine. Is there ever a way to truly let ourselves shine without any kind of fear of repercussion? Is it possible?
We earn the right to shine. Not always, not with everything, but it's there. Perhaps it's not a sport we shine in, but our parenting skills. Perhaps were not the most patient with children, but it's a mad cooking skill that can make us shine.
There's a scene in one of my favorite movies, Sex & The City 2 where the girls are in some Middle Eastern country, and they meet upon some women dressed in the traditional black garb ( called the hijab, I think?) , covering everything. Once hidden, the women remove the thick black coverings and veils to reveal beautiful, expensive and shiny designer clothing underneath with amazing makeup and hair.
So here's the challenge: Remove your coverings, your veil and let your light shine. There is a good chance you might not even know what it is, but it's there. If you don't see it, chances are someone else might.
I told her she didn't give herself enough credit and she responded " we never do."
Its true.
Why IS that? That is so incredibly annoying. I do it daily, with pretty much everything I see, touch, think about or try. I think for me personally, it's because I fear if I give myself too much credit, I'll let myself down and be disappointed with myself. Maybe I fear being arrogant? Maybe I fear the expectation both myself and others would have for me? Who knows.
I have a quote on my office wall that I found many years ago.
" Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you NOT to be?
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory within us.
It's not just in some of us; It's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fewer,
our presence automatically liberates others. "
Marianne Williamson
It seems to fit for so many in so many situations. I think for many, we cover our true light with nonsense and garbage because we fear what will happen when we let our true selves shine. Is there ever a way to truly let ourselves shine without any kind of fear of repercussion? Is it possible?
We earn the right to shine. Not always, not with everything, but it's there. Perhaps it's not a sport we shine in, but our parenting skills. Perhaps were not the most patient with children, but it's a mad cooking skill that can make us shine.
There's a scene in one of my favorite movies, Sex & The City 2 where the girls are in some Middle Eastern country, and they meet upon some women dressed in the traditional black garb ( called the hijab, I think?) , covering everything. Once hidden, the women remove the thick black coverings and veils to reveal beautiful, expensive and shiny designer clothing underneath with amazing makeup and hair.
So here's the challenge: Remove your coverings, your veil and let your light shine. There is a good chance you might not even know what it is, but it's there. If you don't see it, chances are someone else might.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Were Not Broken, Just Bent
P!nk told me this through my radio this morning and it felt like it really fit the moment.
"Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second, we're not broken~just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken~ just bent
And we can learn to love again"
In a nation that's hurting, scarred with fear and distrust, so many are looking for comfort. The pieces are being picked up, the funerals of the slain are being planned, injured victims are being brought to light, and stories are being told. The pick up and healing will start to begin.
While I'm not one for politics, Barrack Obama, our Nations leader said this:
" I have no doubt you will run again, yes, you will run again"
I think that kind of sums it up for runners at this point. Damn straight we'll run again. In fact, I think this horrific tragedy has brought to light some of the things about the running community that I've come to know and love:
1) No Fear of Fear: runners seem to face fear everyday. Fear of the run itself, fear of injury, pain, fatigue or attack, a 'bathroom issue', a mean dog.... Yet we run on.
2) Compassion: Seeing someone hurt or struggle, we feel it too. We've been there, we know how hard it is too. A sympathetic smile or pat on the back is sometimes all we can do, but we feel it.
3) Pride: That runner who's struggling so much, makes us proud. The guy who finished last, makes us proud. The fact that were out there, makes us proud. We run for our own pride, not to prove a point, not to gain fame.
4) Love: The love of the sport, the love of the burning lungs, screaming muscles, and still pushing forward. The love of the community and the people we are with each other. Caring, loving, supportive individuals who are all in it for one purpose.
5) Determination: I've seen some incredible feats not only in myself, but others I've known. Coming back after an injury, or a long hiatus off running, pushing limits like crazy.
I know there are more, but I think you get the point. Running is simply a beautiful community. One most people don't want to explore ( I so get that, it's hard!!) or would have no idea what exists behind what they see.
I truly think the tragedy in Boston three days ago has opened up a new light into the sport and while some might be intrigued, I think even more will discover it's something they want to be a part of.
"Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second, we're not broken~just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken~ just bent
And we can learn to love again"
In a nation that's hurting, scarred with fear and distrust, so many are looking for comfort. The pieces are being picked up, the funerals of the slain are being planned, injured victims are being brought to light, and stories are being told. The pick up and healing will start to begin.
While I'm not one for politics, Barrack Obama, our Nations leader said this:
" I have no doubt you will run again, yes, you will run again"
I think that kind of sums it up for runners at this point. Damn straight we'll run again. In fact, I think this horrific tragedy has brought to light some of the things about the running community that I've come to know and love:
1) No Fear of Fear: runners seem to face fear everyday. Fear of the run itself, fear of injury, pain, fatigue or attack, a 'bathroom issue', a mean dog.... Yet we run on.
2) Compassion: Seeing someone hurt or struggle, we feel it too. We've been there, we know how hard it is too. A sympathetic smile or pat on the back is sometimes all we can do, but we feel it.
3) Pride: That runner who's struggling so much, makes us proud. The guy who finished last, makes us proud. The fact that were out there, makes us proud. We run for our own pride, not to prove a point, not to gain fame.
4) Love: The love of the sport, the love of the burning lungs, screaming muscles, and still pushing forward. The love of the community and the people we are with each other. Caring, loving, supportive individuals who are all in it for one purpose.
5) Determination: I've seen some incredible feats not only in myself, but others I've known. Coming back after an injury, or a long hiatus off running, pushing limits like crazy.
I know there are more, but I think you get the point. Running is simply a beautiful community. One most people don't want to explore ( I so get that, it's hard!!) or would have no idea what exists behind what they see.
I truly think the tragedy in Boston three days ago has opened up a new light into the sport and while some might be intrigued, I think even more will discover it's something they want to be a part of.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Boston: Possible Suspect in Custody
Like so many other horrific scenes over the history of our time, we watch with horror a scene of death, destruction, and devastation. The Waco Siege, April, 1993; Oklahoma City Bombing, April, 1995; Columbine High school, April 1999; and now the Boston Marathon bombing, April 2013.
In the aftermath of these events and many others, we wait with baited breath for the outcome. Will a suspect be caught and punished? Will there ever be closure for anyone? Will out society bounce back from this?
The question on so many minds is simply: Why?
The hard cold fact is that we may never know or understand. As with other events, we wait for an end to the sadness, the devastation we see, the fear of runners everywhere. It's just been reported there is a suspect in custody over the Boston Marathon bombings. Is it the right guy? Has the suspect been leading law enforcement on a rabbit chase? Was there a motive? What was the reasoning behind this? Was this some kind of political demonstration? Who is this guy? Does he have a mental illness?
In all reality, what would be a proper answer to any of that? Is there a reason or an answer that would satisfy anyone at this point? Likely not. I can't think of any possible reason any of that would be acceptable. None. Zilch. Can anyone?
In the following days, chances are that there will be more information about the possible suspect that is now in custody. Brace yourselves. This could be even more angering, even more devastating when it could turn out to be for absolutely nothing. Like the Sandy Hook Shootings, The Colorado movie theatre shootings....there was no reason, no explanation of it all. Only one persons mental illness. We have to prepare for that as well. That it's just one of those things...that we may never know.
In the aftermath of these events and many others, we wait with baited breath for the outcome. Will a suspect be caught and punished? Will there ever be closure for anyone? Will out society bounce back from this?
The question on so many minds is simply: Why?
The hard cold fact is that we may never know or understand. As with other events, we wait for an end to the sadness, the devastation we see, the fear of runners everywhere. It's just been reported there is a suspect in custody over the Boston Marathon bombings. Is it the right guy? Has the suspect been leading law enforcement on a rabbit chase? Was there a motive? What was the reasoning behind this? Was this some kind of political demonstration? Who is this guy? Does he have a mental illness?
In all reality, what would be a proper answer to any of that? Is there a reason or an answer that would satisfy anyone at this point? Likely not. I can't think of any possible reason any of that would be acceptable. None. Zilch. Can anyone?
In the following days, chances are that there will be more information about the possible suspect that is now in custody. Brace yourselves. This could be even more angering, even more devastating when it could turn out to be for absolutely nothing. Like the Sandy Hook Shootings, The Colorado movie theatre shootings....there was no reason, no explanation of it all. Only one persons mental illness. We have to prepare for that as well. That it's just one of those things...that we may never know.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Boston: Love vs. Hate
While reading Facebook today, a friend of mine posted his difficulty sleeping last night due to his disgust of the human race. It broke my heart, but understandably, there's so many questions, and the immensity of the sadness and anger fills the world over the tragedy of the Boston Marathon. It could become so incredibly easy to turn a heart cold and let hatred and anger.
But further anger is not going to help any. Seeing the constant horrific news clips of fear, smoke, blood and tears isn't going to do it either.
What will help? Looking for the light. It's there.
I've heard a few stories about the Boston Tragedy that made my heart smile. A man leading both runners and spectators into his nearby condo for safety, phones and Internet. People literally ripping the shirts off their backs to make bandages and tourniquets, people helping strangers get away, stand up, or to simply survive. People pouring into the hospitals to give blood. The outpouring of love, prayers and emotional vibes being sent to Boston is simply overwhelming. If there was any way victims and their families could actually see or feel that love, I fear it would almost be too much. It seems there is a rare American right now who's heart is not aching, and is not sending vibes of love, strength or simple prayers to anyone affected.
That in itself is a beautiful thing. People around us, no doubt are also reeling with these emotional conflicts from hell. Do we hate or do we love? If we love one another, is that going to prevent something horrible from happening next week? If we hate one another, will that make us more prepared for the attack on humanity that is inevitably coming next? It's a hard call, to be honest. In a world where a horrific violent event is shaking us to our core every single week, are we ever going to become immune to that?
We can't. If events like the bombing of the Boston Marathon or the shootings at Sandy Hook become our normal everyday events, then the loss of life will become a mainstay of life. We will look at each other and start to wonder " are you next?" We will look at everyone as a potential suspect, evil being, terrorist and never ever resemble the human race again.
We have to believe that the love and human kindness outweighs the evil and hatred. If we believe on it, perhaps it will make it easier to act upon that as well. No, I suppose helping the elderly with a heavy bag is not going to make terrorism and hatred go away, but it's a step. Not only will it make us feel better, doing our part, but it might inspire someone else as well.
Boston is going to take some time. Reports are going to be coming in of injured number rising, perhaps even more deaths. At some point, we can hope the perpetrator will be caught and punished. I do so hope the media will continue to make light of some of the heroes that have yet to be seen.
But if the don't? Look for it. Even today, with the news coming in every hour, Google "Boston Marathon Heroes" and see what comes up. It's there. Look for the light.
But further anger is not going to help any. Seeing the constant horrific news clips of fear, smoke, blood and tears isn't going to do it either.
What will help? Looking for the light. It's there.
I've heard a few stories about the Boston Tragedy that made my heart smile. A man leading both runners and spectators into his nearby condo for safety, phones and Internet. People literally ripping the shirts off their backs to make bandages and tourniquets, people helping strangers get away, stand up, or to simply survive. People pouring into the hospitals to give blood. The outpouring of love, prayers and emotional vibes being sent to Boston is simply overwhelming. If there was any way victims and their families could actually see or feel that love, I fear it would almost be too much. It seems there is a rare American right now who's heart is not aching, and is not sending vibes of love, strength or simple prayers to anyone affected.
That in itself is a beautiful thing. People around us, no doubt are also reeling with these emotional conflicts from hell. Do we hate or do we love? If we love one another, is that going to prevent something horrible from happening next week? If we hate one another, will that make us more prepared for the attack on humanity that is inevitably coming next? It's a hard call, to be honest. In a world where a horrific violent event is shaking us to our core every single week, are we ever going to become immune to that?
We can't. If events like the bombing of the Boston Marathon or the shootings at Sandy Hook become our normal everyday events, then the loss of life will become a mainstay of life. We will look at each other and start to wonder " are you next?" We will look at everyone as a potential suspect, evil being, terrorist and never ever resemble the human race again.
We have to believe that the love and human kindness outweighs the evil and hatred. If we believe on it, perhaps it will make it easier to act upon that as well. No, I suppose helping the elderly with a heavy bag is not going to make terrorism and hatred go away, but it's a step. Not only will it make us feel better, doing our part, but it might inspire someone else as well.
Boston is going to take some time. Reports are going to be coming in of injured number rising, perhaps even more deaths. At some point, we can hope the perpetrator will be caught and punished. I do so hope the media will continue to make light of some of the heroes that have yet to be seen.
But if the don't? Look for it. Even today, with the news coming in every hour, Google "Boston Marathon Heroes" and see what comes up. It's there. Look for the light.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Much Ado About Boston
The Boston Marathon.
Give me any American and they've no doubt heard of the Boston Marathon. "Marathon Monday" as it's been called, or simply "Boston" The running world knows what it is.
Until today. A Marathon Monday like no other. One to never be forgotten, one to be reviewed and remembered in many many different ways. Two explosions have rocked the finish line. It's still early, having only happened less than a couple of hours ago, but it's not just the finish line that's reeling. So many are touched by this, myself included.
The first race I ever did was a 5K last March. It meant the world to me, that I had finally been able to do a 5K. The day was special, the day meant something, amazing emotion and incredible pride.
Which is likely similar to what others feel on race day. Whether it's a first 5K or ones 12th marathon. It's simply a thrill to be there.
When I heard about the Boston Marathon finish line explosions, I immediately prayed that it was equipment failure, a busted speaker, a electronic device gone wrong. No such luck. Reports are still coming in, nothing has been determined yet, but it's obvious: this more than likely is not just faulty equipment. It's more than likely someone did this.
Running "Boston" takes amazing dedication, even to get there. The qualifying times for Boston are something of a mystery to people like me, how anyone can ever go that fast is simply mind boggling. But they do. People qualify for Boston. They work incredibly hard to get there, they live, breathe and bleed "Boston" in order to run this most famous race. And who can blame them? Seeing that starting line in Boston has got to be such a moment of pride, such an incredible emotional moment. What makes this such an incredible moment, dear readers, is that you and I both know there are individuals running Boston today that never thought they'd see the starting line of a race so huge. They see that start line and think " I did it". For so many, simply being in the race is an incredible feat.
For many others, today was a day of comebacks, getting a PR (personal record), first timers, retirees who are running their last, regardless, the first race in our country, the list is long of what this race might have meant to people. For somewhere of the 20,000 or so participants, there could have been an equal number of reasons, meanings and dedications of this race.
Which is why it fills me with incredible grief that explosions take the center ring. Not knowing the final details, or the logistics of it all, the underlying thing that keeps my heart heavy is the fact that for some, this won't be the race they remember for their own reasons, it will be the race with the explosions. Someone who was on their way to a PR won't be able to finish. Someone coming back from an injury won't be able to fully comeback, because of the chaos. Runners on the course, turned a corner and saw unspeakable horror. At a time when they should be bursting with pride and overwhelming joy.
Anyone who has run or anyone who has not run, knows how very difficult it is simply to run. To excel even more so. All these people wanted to do was run, to push themselves, to do their best, to beat themselves, to achieve....and someone or something has robbed them of that. It's with incredible sadness and heavy hearts that we watch these shattered dreams and crushed memories, never to be forgotten.
Give me any American and they've no doubt heard of the Boston Marathon. "Marathon Monday" as it's been called, or simply "Boston" The running world knows what it is.
Until today. A Marathon Monday like no other. One to never be forgotten, one to be reviewed and remembered in many many different ways. Two explosions have rocked the finish line. It's still early, having only happened less than a couple of hours ago, but it's not just the finish line that's reeling. So many are touched by this, myself included.
The first race I ever did was a 5K last March. It meant the world to me, that I had finally been able to do a 5K. The day was special, the day meant something, amazing emotion and incredible pride.
Which is likely similar to what others feel on race day. Whether it's a first 5K or ones 12th marathon. It's simply a thrill to be there.
When I heard about the Boston Marathon finish line explosions, I immediately prayed that it was equipment failure, a busted speaker, a electronic device gone wrong. No such luck. Reports are still coming in, nothing has been determined yet, but it's obvious: this more than likely is not just faulty equipment. It's more than likely someone did this.
Running "Boston" takes amazing dedication, even to get there. The qualifying times for Boston are something of a mystery to people like me, how anyone can ever go that fast is simply mind boggling. But they do. People qualify for Boston. They work incredibly hard to get there, they live, breathe and bleed "Boston" in order to run this most famous race. And who can blame them? Seeing that starting line in Boston has got to be such a moment of pride, such an incredible emotional moment. What makes this such an incredible moment, dear readers, is that you and I both know there are individuals running Boston today that never thought they'd see the starting line of a race so huge. They see that start line and think " I did it". For so many, simply being in the race is an incredible feat.
For many others, today was a day of comebacks, getting a PR (personal record), first timers, retirees who are running their last, regardless, the first race in our country, the list is long of what this race might have meant to people. For somewhere of the 20,000 or so participants, there could have been an equal number of reasons, meanings and dedications of this race.
Which is why it fills me with incredible grief that explosions take the center ring. Not knowing the final details, or the logistics of it all, the underlying thing that keeps my heart heavy is the fact that for some, this won't be the race they remember for their own reasons, it will be the race with the explosions. Someone who was on their way to a PR won't be able to finish. Someone coming back from an injury won't be able to fully comeback, because of the chaos. Runners on the course, turned a corner and saw unspeakable horror. At a time when they should be bursting with pride and overwhelming joy.
Anyone who has run or anyone who has not run, knows how very difficult it is simply to run. To excel even more so. All these people wanted to do was run, to push themselves, to do their best, to beat themselves, to achieve....and someone or something has robbed them of that. It's with incredible sadness and heavy hearts that we watch these shattered dreams and crushed memories, never to be forgotten.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Running For Our Lives
I was introduced this weekend to a running group that I've seen a lot around town. I had not recognized the group before, but it was obvious it was for a cause, simply by their name, Runnin' For Rhett. Those baby blue shirts were everywhere, on every trail I was on, all weekend long runs, there they were. The shirt logo had a picture of a boy on it, and I got the basics of his story when I met this boys mother, Beth over the weekend.
Rhett was a seven year old child born with Severe Cerebral Palsy. He was a loved and cherished child who passed away, leaving behind a devastated family. His mother, Beth started running shortly after his death, as a way to cope with the intense loss of her child.
Hearing this woman talk, I felt that quivering rock in the pit of my stomach, that aching need to release the emotion I was feeling with what I was hearing. It was so full of emotion for me that I barely could squeak out the words how amazing she was and what a great thing she was doing in memory of her son. It was all I could do not to break down in tears of my own.
Today I am twenty days shy of the 2 year anniversary of the death of my father. It was less than a year after my dad died of skin cancer that I started running. I can't say for sure if it was his death that urged me to run, I may never know. In any case, a few years before that, I watched my older brother go from a strong as an ox, perfectly capable guy with a smart ass mouth, to a bed ridden guy who towards the end could barely hold a coffee cup or remember our names due to his inoperable brain tumor. With my dad, I suppose the death was a dash more bearable, as he was 75. While not yet ready to say goodbye, we knew it would be tough to cram in more life into those 75 years as my dad really did have a good long full life.
My brother? Not so much. My brother was 44 when he died. Too soon was he gone, unable to take that trip to Alaska he always dreamed about, unable to buy that jeep he talked about, unable to go camping one last time. His death made me so very angry, with the solitary reason, he wasn't done living. Not by far. he may as well have had a to-do list to carry around with him because he wasn't done living.
A couple of years after that, it was my 28 year old nephew. Died suddenly, all of a sudden gone. We learned that his young body was riddled with cancer, yet no one knew. From what I understand, his goal was to beat cancer, not worry anyone and then surprise the world with ' I beat cancer'. But he never got the chance.
I guess in a sense, part of the divine given reason I watched the decline and death of my loved ones is a simple reminder of one thing: I'm not done. While I often struggle with it, I do know this. Right now, I still can. I can run, I can walk, I can breathe deep, I can show up to a workout or a race and do what I have to do. There's so many out there who can't.
Part of the Runnin' For Rhett philosophy is 'do it while you can' {or something to that effect}. Perhaps why I was touched so deeply on the emotional level, is because it immediately made me think of my lost family members. There's still so much living to do and how many times do we not do it? I know I'm guilty of this.
Being busy, feeling lazy, tired, overwhelmed, stress, drama occurring....we are always going to have a reason not to live life to the fullest. We can get thrown off track with a simple phone call, late bill, broken dishwasher, whatever. We cease living a lot of the times when things get tough. Understandable and easy to do. We change our routines, shift around priorities and things get thrown in the mix, often times without our even realizing what were giving up. But so much of it is so very important to remember not to give up on the things that matter the most.
Running, for me has been a part of that. I'll admit when things get busy, crazy, and overwhelming, sadly running is often the first to be crossed off the list. I wish I knew better how to prioritize, organize and put it all together better to get the most out of life. Still working on that.
It's refreshing though, that nearly everyone has a reason to run. Rhett, cancer, therapy, buns of pudding, emotions, last nights wine, turning 60, mental clarity, morale, modeling, running away from pain of death, divorce or any other loss. Everyone has a reason to run. It's our lives, it's our reasons for living, for incorporating the surge of life we get from running into our daily existence. It's literall running for our lives.
Rhett was a seven year old child born with Severe Cerebral Palsy. He was a loved and cherished child who passed away, leaving behind a devastated family. His mother, Beth started running shortly after his death, as a way to cope with the intense loss of her child.
Hearing this woman talk, I felt that quivering rock in the pit of my stomach, that aching need to release the emotion I was feeling with what I was hearing. It was so full of emotion for me that I barely could squeak out the words how amazing she was and what a great thing she was doing in memory of her son. It was all I could do not to break down in tears of my own.
Today I am twenty days shy of the 2 year anniversary of the death of my father. It was less than a year after my dad died of skin cancer that I started running. I can't say for sure if it was his death that urged me to run, I may never know. In any case, a few years before that, I watched my older brother go from a strong as an ox, perfectly capable guy with a smart ass mouth, to a bed ridden guy who towards the end could barely hold a coffee cup or remember our names due to his inoperable brain tumor. With my dad, I suppose the death was a dash more bearable, as he was 75. While not yet ready to say goodbye, we knew it would be tough to cram in more life into those 75 years as my dad really did have a good long full life.
My brother? Not so much. My brother was 44 when he died. Too soon was he gone, unable to take that trip to Alaska he always dreamed about, unable to buy that jeep he talked about, unable to go camping one last time. His death made me so very angry, with the solitary reason, he wasn't done living. Not by far. he may as well have had a to-do list to carry around with him because he wasn't done living.
A couple of years after that, it was my 28 year old nephew. Died suddenly, all of a sudden gone. We learned that his young body was riddled with cancer, yet no one knew. From what I understand, his goal was to beat cancer, not worry anyone and then surprise the world with ' I beat cancer'. But he never got the chance.
I guess in a sense, part of the divine given reason I watched the decline and death of my loved ones is a simple reminder of one thing: I'm not done. While I often struggle with it, I do know this. Right now, I still can. I can run, I can walk, I can breathe deep, I can show up to a workout or a race and do what I have to do. There's so many out there who can't.
Part of the Runnin' For Rhett philosophy is 'do it while you can' {or something to that effect}. Perhaps why I was touched so deeply on the emotional level, is because it immediately made me think of my lost family members. There's still so much living to do and how many times do we not do it? I know I'm guilty of this.
Being busy, feeling lazy, tired, overwhelmed, stress, drama occurring....we are always going to have a reason not to live life to the fullest. We can get thrown off track with a simple phone call, late bill, broken dishwasher, whatever. We cease living a lot of the times when things get tough. Understandable and easy to do. We change our routines, shift around priorities and things get thrown in the mix, often times without our even realizing what were giving up. But so much of it is so very important to remember not to give up on the things that matter the most.
Running, for me has been a part of that. I'll admit when things get busy, crazy, and overwhelming, sadly running is often the first to be crossed off the list. I wish I knew better how to prioritize, organize and put it all together better to get the most out of life. Still working on that.
It's refreshing though, that nearly everyone has a reason to run. Rhett, cancer, therapy, buns of pudding, emotions, last nights wine, turning 60, mental clarity, morale, modeling, running away from pain of death, divorce or any other loss. Everyone has a reason to run. It's our lives, it's our reasons for living, for incorporating the surge of life we get from running into our daily existence. It's literall running for our lives.
Self Mental Mutilation
Might wanna turn your head, this could get ugly.
I've been on a streak lately of beating the hell out of myself and it appears to be I'm not done yet. A week ago, I did an 'anniversary' race of sorts, running a race I'd done before, in fact it was my first 5K ever. A year later, I was about fifteen seconds slower.
How is that possible? I've been doing this running thing for a year and I'm slower?!
Yesterday I did a Half Marathon Relay and well, frankly my time is absolutely humiliating. The slowest I've ever been. Now if it were just me, and my own humiliation, that's one thing. But because there's a relay partner involved, I almost feel like I shouldn't even show my face again, rip the stickers off my car and give it up all together. I can almost sense people logging on to the website to check my time and shaking their heads in pity, disgust or disbelief. I'm disappointed in myself and I almost feel like I've disappointed the coaches and friends I've worked with who have helped me a long the way.
I'm at a point where I'm truly disgusted with my running, my times, my lack of speed, my forced lack of training due to life getting in the way and all of it. I'm not getting any better, I'm slowing down. I'm not losing weight like crazy like I think I should, sure, I've got some impressive muscles going on, but I'm really starting to wonder what's the point of it all when I'm not really moving forward with any of it. Maybe I'm not supposed to?
I keep telling myself that the time doesn't matter. I tell myself that I was never in this for the time, I was only in it to do it, to prove that I could, to accomplish something, to help exercising, weight loss, to keep up with overall health.
But I can't stick to that for some reason. Why?
Why DOES the time matter? Why do I even get timed? Why do I even look at the numbers? Maybe because everyone else does. Maybe because I have read and keep reading books that discuss a PR, speed plays, timing timing timing. I know I do have a little competitive streak in me, maybe more than I even realize. People have always told me, in fact a cardinal rule of running at the level I'm at don't compete with others. Yes, I know the rule well. I preach it as a mentor of running school, yet for some reason others is not even my problem. I can't even compete well with myself. That just plain sucks. And it's humiliating.
So I need to figure this out- quickly- before I do something stupid like quit. Why does it always seem like I'm trying to figure this running thing out? Do others have this much mental mayhem going on?
Do I want to keep running? Yes.
For now, that's about all I know. I don't know if I want to commit to improving my speed. Right now it seems like a lot of work for what, self gratification? Is it not enough anymore to just get out there and do it? It used to be. It used to be that just signing up for a race was a big step for me. Now I can do it with the flash of a credit card and 12 minutes online. It's so automatic and quick these days that I've actually forgotten I've registered for a race until I get the e-mail reminding me.
I figure I have a few options here:
No more racing? (except for already registered for) until I decide what to do.
Keep racing and work on the mental side of just enjoying it?
Work on speed?
Work on the mental side of not competing with myself or any others?
Work on more cross-training and hope that helps with speed?
Scrap the whole idea and just go back to working out and focusing on weight loss?
I have to know...do other runners go through this as well?
I've been on a streak lately of beating the hell out of myself and it appears to be I'm not done yet. A week ago, I did an 'anniversary' race of sorts, running a race I'd done before, in fact it was my first 5K ever. A year later, I was about fifteen seconds slower.
How is that possible? I've been doing this running thing for a year and I'm slower?!
Yesterday I did a Half Marathon Relay and well, frankly my time is absolutely humiliating. The slowest I've ever been. Now if it were just me, and my own humiliation, that's one thing. But because there's a relay partner involved, I almost feel like I shouldn't even show my face again, rip the stickers off my car and give it up all together. I can almost sense people logging on to the website to check my time and shaking their heads in pity, disgust or disbelief. I'm disappointed in myself and I almost feel like I've disappointed the coaches and friends I've worked with who have helped me a long the way.
I'm at a point where I'm truly disgusted with my running, my times, my lack of speed, my forced lack of training due to life getting in the way and all of it. I'm not getting any better, I'm slowing down. I'm not losing weight like crazy like I think I should, sure, I've got some impressive muscles going on, but I'm really starting to wonder what's the point of it all when I'm not really moving forward with any of it. Maybe I'm not supposed to?
I keep telling myself that the time doesn't matter. I tell myself that I was never in this for the time, I was only in it to do it, to prove that I could, to accomplish something, to help exercising, weight loss, to keep up with overall health.
But I can't stick to that for some reason. Why?
Why DOES the time matter? Why do I even get timed? Why do I even look at the numbers? Maybe because everyone else does. Maybe because I have read and keep reading books that discuss a PR, speed plays, timing timing timing. I know I do have a little competitive streak in me, maybe more than I even realize. People have always told me, in fact a cardinal rule of running at the level I'm at don't compete with others. Yes, I know the rule well. I preach it as a mentor of running school, yet for some reason others is not even my problem. I can't even compete well with myself. That just plain sucks. And it's humiliating.
So I need to figure this out- quickly- before I do something stupid like quit. Why does it always seem like I'm trying to figure this running thing out? Do others have this much mental mayhem going on?
Do I want to keep running? Yes.
For now, that's about all I know. I don't know if I want to commit to improving my speed. Right now it seems like a lot of work for what, self gratification? Is it not enough anymore to just get out there and do it? It used to be. It used to be that just signing up for a race was a big step for me. Now I can do it with the flash of a credit card and 12 minutes online. It's so automatic and quick these days that I've actually forgotten I've registered for a race until I get the e-mail reminding me.
I figure I have a few options here:
No more racing? (except for already registered for) until I decide what to do.
Keep racing and work on the mental side of just enjoying it?
Work on speed?
Work on the mental side of not competing with myself or any others?
Work on more cross-training and hope that helps with speed?
Scrap the whole idea and just go back to working out and focusing on weight loss?
I have to know...do other runners go through this as well?
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Is it REALLY necessary?
An individual I know approached me the other day and asked me what the sticker on my car meant.
" I saw a 26.2 sticker kinda like it, but yours is 13.1. What does it mean?" So I explained it to him that was the length of my last race.
" Oh. Is that really necessary? I don't really need to know that"
um. ooohhkayy.
How exactly does one respond to that? He mumbled something about bragging and it was unclear if he was disgusted or what.
What this guy fails to realize is that perhaps the sticker on my car is about no one but myself. Oh, interesting concept.
Everyday, at least a couple of times a day, I see it. When I'm having a 'fat/lazy/idonwanna' day, I see it and I remember. When I'm driving and want to make a u-turn and go away from the gym for a nap, I see it in the rear view mirror and I remember. It motivates me.
The days I leave my job feeling like a sucker, a failure and/or a complete dope, it's there, shining and smiling at me, as if to say "it's okay if you were a screw up today...you still did 13.1" It lifts my spirits.
So yes...it is really necessary. For me and me alone.
For all my self doubts, my worries of my own capabilities, my down talk, questioning my own abilities...all the crap I give myself on pretty much a daily basis, it's a necessary reminder that I can and have conquered the gargantuan mountains I place before me. Including the Half.
It's not, and I repeat...it's NOT there to say " nyah nyah nyah, lookee what I can do that you can't" Because for all I know? That dude in his car next to me just did an ultra100 run and chooses not to put it on his car.
And another thing. So what if it shows off a little pride. I am proud. Very proud.
" I saw a 26.2 sticker kinda like it, but yours is 13.1. What does it mean?" So I explained it to him that was the length of my last race.
" Oh. Is that really necessary? I don't really need to know that"
um. ooohhkayy.
How exactly does one respond to that? He mumbled something about bragging and it was unclear if he was disgusted or what.
What this guy fails to realize is that perhaps the sticker on my car is about no one but myself. Oh, interesting concept.
Everyday, at least a couple of times a day, I see it. When I'm having a 'fat/lazy/idonwanna' day, I see it and I remember. When I'm driving and want to make a u-turn and go away from the gym for a nap, I see it in the rear view mirror and I remember. It motivates me.
The days I leave my job feeling like a sucker, a failure and/or a complete dope, it's there, shining and smiling at me, as if to say "it's okay if you were a screw up today...you still did 13.1" It lifts my spirits.
So yes...it is really necessary. For me and me alone.
For all my self doubts, my worries of my own capabilities, my down talk, questioning my own abilities...all the crap I give myself on pretty much a daily basis, it's a necessary reminder that I can and have conquered the gargantuan mountains I place before me. Including the Half.
It's not, and I repeat...it's NOT there to say " nyah nyah nyah, lookee what I can do that you can't" Because for all I know? That dude in his car next to me just did an ultra100 run and chooses not to put it on his car.
And another thing. So what if it shows off a little pride. I am proud. Very proud.
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