Self Mental Mutilation

Might wanna turn your head, this could get ugly. 

I've been on a streak lately of beating the hell out of myself and it appears to be I'm not done yet. A week ago, I did an 'anniversary' race of sorts, running a race I'd done before, in fact it was my first 5K ever.  A year later, I was about fifteen seconds slower. 
How is that possible?  I've been doing this running thing for a year and I'm slower?!

Yesterday I did a Half Marathon Relay and well, frankly my time is absolutely humiliating.  The slowest I've ever been. Now if it were just me, and my own humiliation, that's one thing.  But because there's a relay partner involved, I almost feel like I shouldn't even show my face again, rip the stickers off my car and give it up all together. I can almost sense people logging on to the website to check my time and shaking their heads in pity, disgust or disbelief.  I'm disappointed in myself and I almost feel like I've disappointed the coaches and friends I've worked with who have helped me a long the way. 

I'm at a point where I'm truly disgusted with my running, my times, my lack of speed, my forced lack of training due to life getting in the way and all of it.  I'm not getting any better, I'm slowing down. I'm not losing weight like crazy like I think I should, sure, I've got some impressive muscles going on, but I'm really starting to wonder what's the point of it all when I'm not really moving forward with any of it. Maybe I'm not supposed to?

I keep telling myself that the time doesn't matter.  I tell myself that I was never in this for the time, I was only in it to do it, to prove that I could, to accomplish something, to help exercising, weight loss, to keep up with overall health. 
But I can't stick to that for some reason.   Why? 

Why DOES the time matter?  Why do I even get timed?  Why do I even look at the numbers?  Maybe because everyone else does. Maybe because I have read and keep reading books that discuss a PR, speed plays, timing timing timing.  I know I do have a little competitive streak in me, maybe more than I even realize.  People have always told me, in fact a cardinal rule of running at the level I'm at  don't compete with others.   Yes, I know the rule well.  I preach it as a mentor of running school, yet for some reason others is not even my problem. I can't even compete well with myself.   That just plain sucks.  And it's humiliating. 

So I need to figure this out- quickly- before I do something stupid like quit. Why does it always seem like I'm trying to figure this running thing out?  Do others have this much mental mayhem going on? 

Do I want to keep running?  Yes. 

For now, that's about all I know.  I don't know if I want to commit to improving my speed.  Right now it seems like a lot of work for what, self gratification?  Is it not enough anymore to just get out there and do it?  It used to be.  It used to be that just signing up for a race was a big step for me.  Now I can do it with the flash of a credit card and 12 minutes online.  It's so automatic and quick these days that I've actually forgotten I've registered for a race until I get the e-mail reminding me. 

I figure I have a few options here:
No more racing?  (except for already registered for) until I decide what to do.
Keep racing and work on the mental side of just enjoying it?
Work on speed?
Work on the mental side of not competing with myself or any others?
Work on more cross-training and hope that helps with speed? 
Scrap the whole idea and just go back to working out and focusing on weight loss?

I have to know...do other runners go through this as well?