Cluster Fudge

I'm now 4 days pre race and I'm hating every moment of it.  I went for my final training run last night, a simple 30 minute-ish that should have been  a walk in the park.  It wasn't.  It was horrible from the start.  And the irony is, I almost knew I shouldn't have even bothered. 

I've said before I'm a slow starter, it can take me up to 3 miles just to warm up.  The shorter the run, the more it seems like 'why bother'?  I don't warm up fast, I never have.  Last night instantly I knew I was in trouble.  My caves froze up within moments.  I pushed on as I figured in a short time I'd be done. Not happening.  At all.  I cut it out early and headed home.  Knowing how horrible that short mile and a half had been, I started to doubt and wonder.  What the hell am I doing?

I had picked up my race shirt and bib, so I had a new motivation and inspiration staring me in the face and yet, I started to feel a sense of  true ugly I  was not familiar with.  As I always do, I snapped a picture of my race shirt and bib to sent it to family and friends and one response I got was "don't be nervous, remember that 8 billion Chinese could give a rat's ass"  which I took that to mean
"eh, who cares".  Alrighty then.  Message clear.  No one cares.  Gotcha. Ouch. 

This morning I woke up just tired, my inspiration and motivation has been shot through the heart.  The message in my head from the night before still stinging in my mind only to be met with a friend asking if I could do her a favor on Sunday morning. Appearing to have no idea I was going to be a little busy, despite her always encouraging me and asking about my training. 

I got a text message reminding me to continue my training up until race day.  I responded I was doing no more runs until Sunday.  " I wouldn't do that if I were you"  was the reaction. 
Well, lucky for you , you aren't me right now.   
While this in itself has the potential to put me in a very very bad mood and make me feel less than competent, untrained and basically going to make me look like a joke out there... I need to remember the cardinal rule of running:  Don't compare yourself to others 
So much easier said than done right now. 

So it appears I'm in a horrible state of mind right now and while I think/hope/pray to any Almighty that's listening that it's temporary funk of the mind, that I will get out of it in no time, right now I'm terrified, my confidence is nowhere to be found and my mind is seriously wandering if I can/want to do this at all.  It's a horrible place to be.